The manipulative workplace behaviour hiding behind polite discussion

If you’re walking into work feeling anxious, drained, defeated or intimidated and can’t quite understand why, you may be the target of a sealioner.

Sealioning is an emerging term used to describe behaviour that has very real effects, but differs from gaslighting or bullying. Unlike the latter, sealioning is often subtle enough to go unnoticed by observers and even the person experiencing it. All they know is that what started as unease has gradually become a genuine dread or even fear about stepping into the workplace.

Like gaslighting and bullying, sealioning is not limited to behaviour from managers or senior staff. It can come from peers and even direct reports.

For the perpetrator, it serves as a manipulative and exploitative interpersonal tactic typically aimed at exhausting, undermining or controlling their target. Pattern of this kind may share characteristics with behaviours researchers have linked to certain personality traits – including those that are narcissistic, Machiavellian and psychopathic (commonly known as the “dark triad”), and are also linked to bullying and harassment.

Signs you may be the target of a sealioner

Sealioning hides in plain sight behind the appearance of open discussion, polite debate and curiosity. The sealioner’s words and actions appear well within the realms of normal behaviour, which is what makes it so hard to recognise.

Yet to the person it’s happening to, what can feel like a relentless, sustained and selective form of harassment can destabilise them over time.

If this sounds familiar, here are 5 indications you may be the target of a sealioner at work:

1. Constantly second-guessing yourself and wondering if you’re overreacting
2. Frequently questioning your own judgement after interactions with the person
3. Feeling pressured to defend even simple decisions or opinions
4. Leaving conversations feeling confused, drained or somehow at fault
5. Feeling like every discussion turns into an exhausting debate you didn’t ask for

The public sector – where polished communication, intellectual debate, and displays of competence are highly valued – is not immune to sealioning. While the target may never be yelled at, publicly humiliated or physically threatened, the cumulative effect of these interactions can still be deeply damaging and gradually erode their confidence and psychological safety at work.

A 4-step strategy to stop sealioning in its tracks

Addressing sealioning in the workplace requires properly diagnosing the behaviour. If it’s incorrectly labelled, as it may overlap with other difficult workplace behaviours such as gaslighting, bullying or harassment, those experiencing it are likely to turn to tactics taught in general workplace training programs.

Where the behaviour is deliberate and persistent, traditional strategies around communications, relationship management, or conflict resolution (which assume both parties are working toward resolution in good faith) may be less effective and could even intensify the situation. This is because sealioners rely on prolonged engagement to maintain control of the interaction. Keeping the conversation going is usually part of the strategy itself.

With this in mind, there are several bodies of work that can point us towards equally strategic response approaches.

The following is a 4-step strategy that may be far more effective for situations involving sealioning:

1. Name it. Understand what sealioning is and isn’t, and assess whether this behaviour may be happening to you.
2. Document the pattern. If you think you’re dealing with a sealioner, you can start to look at conversations with them differently. Instead of getting pulled in, simply pay attention to the pattern of behaviour and what they may be trying to achieve.
3. Engage HR early. Your strategies should complement but cannot substitute for organisational intervention where it is needed.
4. Conserve your energy and stay resilient. Resist the urge to justify, argue, defend or overexplain, as this is exactly what the sealioner wants. Say only what needs to be said, then exit the conversation. As the cycle weakens, you can then begin to replenish your energy and get back to doing what you do best.

In my work with clients experiencing these kinds of workplace dynamics, I can help them identify where sealioning may be part of the behaviour, and explore different minimum viable responses to reduce ongoing engagement and emotional exhaustion.

However, if the situation is taking a noticeable mental or emotional toll, it’s also important to seek support from a GP or psychologist who will be able to provide appropriate professional care.

What’s most important is not to try and white-knuckle your way through it. Enduring the behaviour without recognising and addressing it will deplete the energy you need to do your job well, and this gives the sealioner the upper hand. Instead: recognise it for what it is, document the pattern, keep your responses brief and measured, and remain consistent during any escalation.

The goal is not to win a battle of wills. It’s to protect your energy so you are able to respond in a way that maintains your professional standards and capability, and ensures the behaviour is visible to those with the authority and obligation to act on it.

To learn more about how one-on-one coaching can support you in addressing difficult workplace dynamics, please book a free 15-minute coaching session.